| nightmares and ramblings. |
[13. August, 2008 | 09:22 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | trespassers william - lie in the sound | ] |
am having one of those days in which i've been looking forward to the end of the day for the entirety of the day.
had a great time out for drinks with antoun at ponzu last night, although our laughs and stories (and fantastic drinks) were slightly overshadowed by the undercover crack bust across the street complete with an ambulance because someone decided to swallow their stash. ah, gotta love the tenderloin, and being able to watch it all go down from inside ponzu. this city is never not interesting, that is for sure. and, it was good to see antoun.
but somehow, something happened between my waking and sleeping life that turned into a horrible, horrible night. i had a series of nightmares, or at least nightmarish situations, that invaded. all. night. long. apparently k didn't sleep well at all either, but i have no idea being as i was so overcome by everything that was happening in my dreams. i vaguely remember waking up once and saying something to him because i was just so scared. just awful, awful, awful. and even when he left early this morning and i tried to sleep a little more... there were creepy people staring through my keyhole and knives stretching through the door. fucked. up.
sigh. so all day i've had to contend with these lingering memories on top of a nasty headache, cramps that kill like knives, a lot of misbehaving code, and a computer/monitor at work that doesn't show me all the colors it's supposed to. all of this disconnect is making me worry that i'm to blame for k not getting enough sleep last night (and probably drowning in the pool right now), or that somehow i'm the weaker link in this relationship.
i think instead, however, that most of this is just my crinkled, fucked up brain and the rest of it is the fact that all this triathlon training, all this traveling (between the both of us), and my continued money problems (i.e. my inability to participate in very many social activities like going out for drinks or dinner or special activities or insert just about anything here) need to cease pretty soon or... else. i'm not really sure what "else" means, of course, and i'm pretty sure we're not on the brink of anything drastic... i guess i feel like a bit of a disconnect. like there are so many things getting in the way of the connection.
it's that time of the month to start feeling a little desperate again about what absolutely needs to change in my life. i.e., where i live. i'm tired of just getting by, and i'm sick to death of people offering to buy me drinks, buy me dinner, buy me tickets to something, whatever. i hate it. i understand that they are my friends (or my boyfriend) and they have shitloads more money than i do, but i hate hate hate not being able to take care of myself 100%. i hate it. and it's really starting to wear at me that it's in my power to change this, and that i have to change it. the san francisco rental market has not been very friendly this month... i know i can do it, and it's been less than a month that i've been out of my lease and available to actually start looking at places, but but but... patience. patience.
the tea kettle is ready for me. in spite of it all, i do love where i live. i can afford to do lots of little things, i can eat good food, and let's not forget that i have a job that i love and some amazing people in my life. and i have a macbook pro. and i usually have fantastic dreams. time will bring change when it's ready. until then, i'm putting my foot down next month where a few extra activities are concerned. and i'm definitely okay with that. these things don't define me. they may serve to enrich me, but there are so many other places (in here and out there) waiting for exploration that i've yet to feel needy. and that, by the way, is another reason why i love living in this city.
in two weeks we're pushing ourselves back to everywhere we need to be. and i'm not wasting another minute of you.
what is love, but whatever my heart needs around? |
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| Comments: |
New Brazilian Girls album is out. I can give it to you. That should cheer you up. :) | |
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