[ like rain ]

moving.

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:32:09 GMT

i finally figured out the right, fresh way to revamp my website. i've started a tumblr blog that will also double as my personal home (bluemekka.net will be pointed there soon, i think). i may still use this livejournal here and there, because i truly love love love the years of words i've arranged in this space, but i feel more and more that i'm in the middle of a different place and a very different space than i was when i was writing in here over the last 6-7 years (wow).

so anyway. this will provide me a better, more visible (i hope) opportunity to share the images, words, projects, and thoughts that have been filling my days. if anyone is still out there, please join me! :)

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 01:49:50 GMT

before electric light,
you paddled through the soup of darkness as a crocodile
cherry picking in the river
i would leave crisp note footprints at the bankside

watch it closely you will see it begin to move
watch it closely you see it begin to flicker

while we're here, let's see what happens
what we got, got to loose
while we're tidal and flexed on a full moon
it'd be a sure, sure shame to not to

in every wonder what you are
i've blurted everything i know just for a piece of it
flash frozen, patchworked and fallow
i sprung up in hearts and arrow superhighways

watch it closely you will see it begin to move
watch it closely you see it begin to flicker

do what you feel just how you like
nobody has to know

watch, watch
what we got to loose

do it for England
do it for love
do it for us
do it for goodness sake
do it for all the times
we wished we had

do what you want, just how you like
nobody has to know

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 05:04:36 GMT

/ though stuck i am never misplaced

stuff. and drinking.

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 06:13:06 GMT

as much as this is your journey, it is also mine.

have to remember that.

unexpectedly moved by this one event in the giant cog of life within this city / within my reach.

okay, creepy.

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 19:40:38 GMT

i saw a ghost this morning when i was walking up gough to hit up the bevmo (nope, no stone juxtaposition) and whole foods. a walking, not talking, perfectly clothed up to the beanie on his head, perfectly perfect ghost. and he blew me a kiss.

and when i say blew me a kiss, i mean right before he walked past me he puckered his face into a snarky, disgusting kiss filled with hate and knowing.

it was gross, creepy, and terrifically unsettling.

and i'm pretty sure he's in this town. right now. right around the corner.

nice one.

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 15:17:27 GMT

ugh, nightmares. my brain managed to combine 500 days of summer and sorely missing k this weekend into a dream during which he announces he wants to be in a open relationship while we're on a trip to boston visiting all the wacky kids we met in mexico. (yeah, i know. wtf?)

finally woke myself up at the part when we were in the miata (road trip to boston?) and yelling (i was crying and yelling) about how much he loves his new girlfriend.

so, apparently i wouldn't be okay with that. good. to. know.

in conclusion.

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 17:30:05 GMT

just found out it was really k who set up the dinner and invited them (and didn't even think to invite me along). he spun his words all around when he first mentioned it.

stupid, stupid boy.

still going to fix this, but man. stupid, stupid boy. le sigh. :)

to follow up.

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 16:49:27 GMT

awww... my friends are so awesome. :) to avoid 4 identical responses, here's the sitch.

a) the dinner was with a couple i only know a little through various friends & activites, but

b) the woman in the couple is someone kirby hangs out with and talks to ALL the time (and i don't know her very well at all), so usually it's just the two of them getting dinner (ALL the time, more on that later). but this time he mentioned that the both of them invited him out to celebrate his birthday, and that's what ticked me off (see all of your responses). especially since my first email exchange with her a week ago included a mention that all three or four of us should do dinner at some point soon.

c) therefore, i got upset.

d) thankfully, as most of you know, the boy has a tendency to be unflappably good about these things, and assured me repeatedly last night that if he had known i was going to be so upset about it, then he would have made things right and made sure i came along (of course, this is totally NOT what would have fixed things, i'd rather have been invited by the people doing the inviting in the first place, and there's no going back now).

e) nevertheless, i still seem to be upset (facebook updates about yummy dinners with good friends don't help , fyi), so i'm addressing the obvious issues of how i feel about this sitch with him (albeit, long distance because he's still traveling). i've realized this is the first person he spends a LOT of time and energy with who i don't know ANYTHING about, other than the fact that she lives in san francisco and seems very nice. it's kind of been obvious and kind of bothering me, but this put me over for some reason. so instead of snarkily calling her his girlfriend #2, i'm letting him know exactly how i feel and we'll totally figure this out.

f) um, the end.

it's really not a big deal, but realized suddenly last night that it's been growing on me and i didn't like it no more. so much time apart/him being so stressed with work doesn't help. nor does being a stupid GIRL.

sometimes i feel like this is the only place left i can actually say this sort of crap, despite the fact that i still keep it open and unlocked. too many people are connected to me on facebook/twitter, yet often i feel like not enough people are left here on livejournal to make it truly worthwhile. however, y'all totally disproved that. so maybe i'll stick around over here. maybe. :)

never too late.

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 06:33:17 GMT

i'm 27 years old and upset that my boyfriend was invited to a belated birthday dinner out with a couple we're both friends with. i was not. (even considered? mentioned? thought of?)

feel more like i'm 14. but still. sometimes it really, really sucks being a girl. time to sleep this offfffffffffffffff.

and while we're at it, i'm done with summer. officially tired of getting you for one night, then wanting you for all the nights that follow (when you won't be around).

maybe this weekend (alone) i'll put some effort into merging these fragments. maybe.

a summer to do.

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 04:54:55 GMT

went to mexico last weekend (code name #tequilacon). yup. that was a thing.

now, as soon as i get better from the mild food poisoning on the last flight home, and over this lingering cough, i feel like i want to DO something with myself. here's what i want to DO.

- design, build, finish jenn's site. which means i need to start it at some point. gotta do that soon.

- destroy my old, sad site and put something new up on there. or at least, put something up there that mentions my actual age (or not).

- figure out what to do with this blog, or a blog.

- finish kirby's christmas scarf before next christmas comes around.

- start going back to yoga at least twice a week. my body has been thrashed and crashed beyond belief.

- take more pictures.

- finish one book instead of pretending to finish four.

- write a song.

there, i guess that's all for now.

onward and upward.

a thousand dreams of you and me.

Sun, 24 May 2009 05:08:50 GMT

working late, indulging in my guilty pleasure music. the kind that reminds me how much i always wanted to fall in love with a poet, a tortured artist, a something or another who takes me back to all the little parts of me that have been so scattered recently.

i do this when i'm alone. i dig into my past and i re-read the words and the moments that turned me into this moment in time. i (apparently) have strange dreams about an actor at our company right now, and i think about calling sean back after a series of silly text messages the other night.

and the bright side of all of this is something i forgot the mention the other day when i was lamenting this frustrating and creative-less period in my life. i forgot to say... that i know already what comes next. if this time is anything like the last time i was stuck poring my brains out over hours and weeks of the kind of work that breaks me down, then the next chapter could just be the reawakening i've needed for a long time now. i'm already feeling restless, anxious to run and breathe and try new things. everything that happened last time was magical, and it was tremendous. i won't hold my breath, but i will look forward to whatever may come. it's no mistake that earlier today, walking through the cold, grey streets i love so much, i couldn't stop remembering everything about the person i was three years ago.

and I, I'm over-joyed
and I'm, I'm over-loved
and I'm feeling lucky like a little boy
who's hiding under cover
and looking to discover
every way to play the part inside this darkened cave
the meaning of life, well it starts at the nightlight
close your eyes and I hope you see mine

and I've, well I've seen a thousand things in one place
but I stopped my counting when I saw your face
erasing memory, well I feel as though I've never seen a face before
until I saw your eyes
and they're smiling back at me through my tears
I've been counting all these years, oh
suddenly the thousand things I've seen were nothing more than dreams
of you and me
you and me
quietly at a standstill now
fortunately you will, well you'll kiss me, I will
I will kiss you back

oh the fact of the matter is
and I don't know what the latter is, oh no way
see, I've always wanted to kiss you
but I, I always wanted to run from you
because I've always wanted to miss you
and I, always wanted to comfort you

see I'd love to comfort you
but first thing I’d say to you is baby
"how do you do?"

lonely, lonely.

Sat, 23 May 2009 04:00:32 GMT

i know i was bragging earlier this week about finally getting my apartment back to myself after a week of guests... and i know i've been looking forward to this three day weekend of solitude for awhile now... i have a full list of tasks to accomplish (including finishing that damn website finally)... but it's definitely going to take some effort to push away the loneliness that threatens to linger.

kirby's been away with work all week, and now he's in seattle. it's the first time he's been up to seattle without me in... gosh, a couple of years now, i guess. it's his place, his friends, a million of his life experiences are there. i'm better about it all now, but i still wish i was there. ...

not the end of the world, though. not at all. the truth is that i DO have a lot to do, and if i can get through all of this... i can finally sit down in week or so and breath, relax.

so here i go. dishes, and then work tonight until i fall asleep... can't wait.

have to say it somewhere.

Fri, 22 May 2009 06:26:14 GMT

and i feel like this is the last place anyone might care to look.

f the chronicle.

that's all.

too much for twitter.

Thu, 14 May 2009 03:08:27 GMT

i really, really hate the fact that i will have to look back on these last few months as a period of frustration and disappointment, a time of little growth and (it feels like) little to show for it all.

i'm irritable, sleep dep'ed, picking fights with kirby for not exceptionally good reasons, emotional, insecure, annoyed, out of shape, and not really enjoying life the way i'd like to be. i feel exactly the same way i did when i took on my last big freelance/coding project and IT SUCKS. i hate the person i am when i'm dealing with all of this crap i know nothing about, and only very slowly kind of getting somewhere. i started out optimistic about this project, about maybe learning a few things, but now i'm over it. OVER IT. i want to be happy, relaxed, working on all the small little projects i've had to set aside for months. instead i'm picking fights with kirby (yep, called him crying again last night and immediately regretted it after he started, in a trying tone, to tell me that i always do this and, according to all rules of practicality, i'll eventually figure it out). NOT GOOD ENOUGH. i just want a damn hug over the phone. i want someone to tell me it's going to be okay. and i want them to go see a play with me that we planned to see for two weeks instead of it all ending in a giant big cloud of fail.

rawr. i was counting the days down until i was done with this weeks ago, but now i can't anymore because it's still not none, and it's still not close to done.

now for another livejournal reminder. i am never, never doing freelance work again. okay!

okay.

clarity.

Sun, 03 May 2009 21:18:41 GMT

i worry, i weigh three times my body
i worry, i throw my fear around
but this morning, there's a calm i can't explain
the rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

by the time i recognize this moment
this moment will be gone
but i will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on

and i will wait to find
if this will last forever
and i will wait to find
if this will last forever
and i will pay no mind
that it won't and it won't because it can't
because it just can't
it just can't
it's not supposed to

[postmortem.]

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 06:19:17 GMT

... aaand that will be the last time i call kirby during a project-related panic attack. as livejournal is my witness, i will not, not, not do that again.

and so we'll try again tomorrow. yes, still kicking myself (to sleep, tonight).

underwater.

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 04:17:40 GMT

i am so, so over my head and underwater with this project i'm working on.

i've been avoiding the rest of it for a couple weeks now, finishing up another project and using a couple busy weekends as excuses. but now i have to work on it, and i have to finish it. and it's hanging over my head, and i'm terrified, and now that i've started working on it again i'm realizing again and again and again how stupid i was to take this on. i can only do so much, and navigating and building an ecommerce site from scratch is not currently on my résumé.

idiot. this is making me sorely unhappy, and i keep telling myself "oh, if i can finish it by the end of this month (when client needs it, it's already been pushed back a month), then my life will go back to where it needs to be, and i'll be happier, i'll be healthier, i'll sleep better, i'll go to the gym again, i'll finish those books!" that's not the way it works, though. because now i see it's going to be way more than just a push to get it done. the reality is that i have no idea what i'm doing. and my learning pace... if it's even past a standstill at this point... is pretty damn slow.

i was originally writing this to avoid ruining kirby's night, but i think i need a pep talk. again. there's more, there's less, but that's all for now. just kicking myself for taking on freelance work again, when (even though i desperately need the money) i end up ruining a brief portion of my life in the process.

meh!

so lost.

measured time.

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:33:54 GMT

about a year, or so? ago? i was over at kirby's house and, after finally getting fed up with people who kept asking us how long we'd been together, was prompted to do some digging around to actually find out how long it had really been. thank goodness for livejournal (even though i didn't write about it at all, he actually did). we decided to settle on our first actual drinks-dinner-date at that cuban restaurant in the anti-mall in costa mesa as, well, our first date. march 21. (good number, eh?) yes, that happened a little while after some various shenanigans like that long day working on cars and sushi with trager, this one time we all went to karaoke and the subsequent mess i made at trager's, st. patrick's day festivities at trager's... hmm. i sense a theme here.

anyway. this is the first time i've been aware of the time. measuring it and all. i'm actually surprised i remembered today, but i did. it's a small number, doesn't really mean a whole lot. but you know what? i've changed a bit, moved a lot (literally), probably learned a few things, and after this little bit of time we still fit together quite nicely. all good things.

and now, on to the future.

a photerific postscript.

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 08:42:54 GMT

so what's up with this?

kirby bought a nikon d40 last week, which *hopefully* will be mine in a hefty handful of months when he upgrades the body as he is planning to do. in the meantime i'm in the process of getting his old d70 fixed, so i think we're going to be having a lot of camera fun soon. i miss taking pictures so much, and i realized recently that having a dSLR to play with is exactly what i've been missing in my life. my 35mm cameras have been stuck in various closets for... awhile now. something about developing film/slides anymore has me quite unenthused.

in any case, check out what happened to this picture when i uploaded the original, not re-sized at all photo into flickr last week. so far on three different computers/monitors the color of my hair looks as it does on the right. yet the same photo in flickr is dull dull dull.

very curious, no? help me out if there is a simple explanation for this.

***EDITED*** to add...

it's a browser issue. didn't really think i saw that coming, for some reason. weird.

wtf.

yes. i'm alive.

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 05:48:20 GMT

and doing really well. i'm a pretty happy girl, i think.

i just stopped in the middle of a row on kirby's christmas scarf (that no, i haven't finished yet) and in the middle of an episode of weeds (yay netflix streaming -- but seriously, could this show be any more difficult to watch sometimes?) to seriously consider taking the final step in revitalizing my virtual life.

recently, i've been obsessed with blogging. finally beefing up my google reader and actually using it. stalking friends and not really friends online. not to mention, building a blog for work (http://blog.act-sf.org) and spending hours obsessing over rss feeds (hello feedburner!) and perfecting template layouts (kind of regretting going with blogger, but dear lord i'm proud of all the manual labor that went into that!).

so i just got this close to that last step. i started importing all of these amazing (seven years worth!) livejournal entries into wordpress. and two seconds into the game it found an error.

usurped.

in any case, i think i'll try again later. maybe i'll even drag it onto that old domain i still own, with the username no one else will ever have. maybe i'll go a little crazy and grab my own name.

i think i have a lot to say again. crazy, but true. vacation was good, but i'm ready for a little shake up and a little bit more of me out there. maybe it will still be my own cryptic noodlings, or maybe it will be more than that. i'm not sure, but i think i'm ready. there's a lot to read, a lot to do, and a lot to keep sharing.

for now,

life is good in all the right places. kirby is amazing. i kissed him away for another life/work weekend away this morning, but am already counting the days until i know he'll be close again. in true winter fashion, we finally finished the sixth season of the west wing last night. here's to season seven and finally watching the wire. and spring, and planting, and riding our bikes. and a little trip to mexico this summer! the bad news is that he'll be dropping off the face of the earth again soon (a la my last few angsty entries), but after re-reading those i think i'll be ready to brave it with a better energy this time. here's hoping.

i still have my job, and i really like my job. i love the people i work with. long days, silly parties, and spanking contests included. (what?)

weirdly, i've also recently become attached to several freelance projects. all pretty close to home, all time consuming but happily inspirational. i love using those coding muscles i haven't used in far too long. it feels good, and feels like i have so, so much to learn.

finally, i'm working on a few extra goals this year. am getting a slow start, but i'm trying my best to read a play a week. sounds lame and easy, i know, but it's something i need to start making time for. not just reading plays for work anymore, but pulling out the old anthologies and going to the library and the used bookstore and reading old stuff again and new stuff that just might be good. or not good. yet another reason for me to write.

and thus, that is what floats around the upper part of my brain tonight. am thinking it's either back to weeds or watchmen. reading my first graphic novel is kind of amusing. a format i'm entirely unfamiliar with, but it's just another adventure.

will be sure to give notice to any lingering/alive eyes out there if i do decide to move. for now, i'll wait for the wind outside to turn to rain.

(xoxo)

ps - why did jason mraz ever sign a record contract? god damn his old stuff is good.

the sound of settling.

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 03:25:16 GMT

it occurred to me a few days ago that the spark to share my thoughts on these virtual pages has been absent for quite some time. no real explanation is in the works, but i will say my emotional landscapes have been quite dull for quite some time. i'm not sure why, but i'm very sure how.

the last few weeks (months?) have felt weirdly numb and a little quiet on the general front. the time i thought we would have more of to ourselves hasn't proved to exactly end up that way. while i'm shuffling to and from my job, wondering when a little more passion on my part is going to kick in, kirby has been working and traveling nonstop, sometimes six days out of a week. in fact, he's back in oceanside right now after working a 14 hour day yesterday up here. remember all those scattered posts over the last several months where i promised ourselves in print that we would work on things, move forward, deal with this or that vague issue? no such luck. there has been such a lack of working on both of our parts that it's developed into sad for me, unsure for him, and frustration for us both. i need a stark, sharp reason to dive back in and it's not here. it's morphed into bottom lines like me crying too much and him having only a few spare hours to shut off his brain in between the rest of his working life.

and i thought i would just say,

i hate this.

the good news is that i'm finally settling a little more into my apartment after a long period of time with several things askew. and there has been a little time to work on new projects. i'm in the middle of making the stitch 'n' bitch baby blanket for heather, and about to start a beautiful scarf for kirby soon (which will serve as a not-so-secret christmas present).

and if we're still chatting about projects, i guess suing my former landlord in small claims is another project i'll be working on soon. he/she/it who doesn't have a name until i head to city hall for some sleuthing is withholding a ridiculous and unlawful amount of my deposit, and giving me the stupid kind of runaround. i'm kind of angry/anxious about this situation, especially considering that i borrowed the same amount i'm rightfully owed from my mom and from kirby to pay for the security deposit at the new place. but, they are both being super supportive and encouraging me to kick this person's ass until i get my money. so, i'm grateful for that.

i'm supposed to be at opening night of the arabian nights at berkeley rep tonight, but after staying at work and fighting with flash until 6:30, the idea of paying for dinner out and getting home close to midnight was far from appealing. the good news it that instead i get to curl up in my little space here and make a cheap dinner, work on aforementioned baby blanket, and watch pushing daisies in real time.

the city finally came to its senses and cooled back down to a comfortable fall chill yesterday. if kirby finally stops traveling soon, if we finally get to just be alone for a couple of days, if nonprofit theaters don't run into the ground just yet, if i can save up enough money for a real vacation (or two) next year, and if i can get a good night's sleep without crazy fucked up dreams for at least of couple of nights this week... i think all will be okay.

idiots!

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 22:36:57 GMT

not those kind, but these kind. the kind that think i'm an idiot (also, the kind that beg for a response).

the email below is also amusing just because someone actually bought that domain for me years ago as a, well, a strange kind of present (that he never actually gave me). and, he never renewed it (thank goodness).

..........

Re: Regarding your domain name bluemekka.net
Tuesday, November 4, 2008 2:27 PM
From: "audra davis" <bluemekka@yahoo.com>
To: shawnwilson54@googlemail.com

Why would I buy it from you when a) you don't own it already and b) I can buy it myself for 10 bucks?

On Tue, 11/4/08, shawnwilson54@googlemail.com wrote:

From: shawnwilson54@googlemail.com
Subject: Regarding your domain name bluemekka.net
To: bluemekka@yahoo.com
Date: Tuesday, November 4, 2008, 12:40 PM

Hi,

I wondered if you would be interested in buying the .COM version of your domain name bluemekka.net for $195?

Let me know.
Shawn.

..........

in other news, i just went to vote during my lunch hour -- best decision ever! (besides the ones i made in the booth, of course.) there was barely a line at 1:30 compared to the mass of people around the block at 9 a.m. this morning.

ta da!

and these things will pass.

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 06:07:51 GMT

sometimes it just takes a little bit longer than we planned for everything to maneuver back into its right place. maybe not the best place, not the most ideal place, but the right place.

minor traumas and major sighs and small talk and big feelings about little things that we will refer to less and less as the days and the weeks keep moving. i made it back to my center, wasn't sure about things for a minute there. sometimes i just need to step away, forcibly take myself out of it and around a side destination until i come back to just being. here. tending to my life, my plants, my projects, my laundry, my dead army of ant juice, me.

and you're still here. finding your way to me even with little time to spare. i was lying in bed awake for a few hours this morning, and i remembered everything about the very first weekend i spent with you. i couldn't remember a span of that much time since then that has just been the two of us. the two of us going to the cafe, going to the drive-in together, going to the farmer's market together, making dinner together, going to the beach together. doing a lot of things together. and then is so different from now, there was so much to get to know and so many feelers reaching out to figure out who this other person is... but i think i'm going to fixate on that feeling and some of the basic ingredients involved. and i'm going to work on it. and we're going to work on it. fucking life... keeps getting in the way.

... if we can just get through this one.

part two.

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 02:01:30 GMT

man, it's nice having internet again... that's not just on my phone. makes me a much faster typer.

i didn't realize until maybe a day or two ago how much i'm looking forward to this week/weekend of pure play time with old friends in my old stomping grounds. it's the perfect point of transition. fall is just beginning to creep in... i'm just moved into this new, lovely little apartment with more space and more room to grow, and it feels like it almost took no effort to get here. the winding down of summer means there will be more time at home, less time here and there and everywhere. more brunches, more dinners, more knitting time, more time with just the two of us curled up on the couch watching the west wing (i hope). i've crossed a lot of things off my little to-do list finally, and i'm focusing a little more on me again.

and, i guess, us. two nights ago when i was finding my way home on foot from north beach around midnight, kind of basking in the afterglow of a really, really great dinner party with oldish and newish friends, i was struck again, as i usually am during these happy moments, how much i missed you that evening. i always miss you when you're away, but the feeling is amplified when i am closer to my element, closer to the point when i am the best, brightest, funniest, prettiest girl i can be on that particular night. and in my mind, i carved out all these words, all these lovely words about what i feel when you're away and i'm eating bread pudding that you would have loved and i'm laughing at a big table about politics and people and how we keep thinking someone says burningman when they really say burlingame.

but then, today, when i was walking home from the gym and watching the fog roll in beyond the ballet buildings up the block, i realized that i'll never actually give you or tell you those words. maybe because there won't be a right time, maybe because they will feel inadequate, or silly, or because we don't really tell each other these things. usually it's a problem of there not being enough time, so maybe that will be the excuse this time around when it will be, for you, a round-the-clock marathon of work, social, work, social (like that's something new).

in any case, maybe the words don't even need to be said. that's my best case scenario.

remember when I'd cry into my soup
and you would say that it's okay?

for now, here i am, finally with my room with a little more of a view. i'm perched at my desk, tap tap tapping away at the window, munching on my leftovers, realizing there is some weird sort of carrie bradshaw-esque design to this but i don't care.

maybe the fall will also mean writing more again. i'd like that.

home.

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 03:05:51 GMT

i love puttering around my fresh, new, big apartment. (we've determined that it is definitely bigger than my old place, which, incidentally, kind of feels like a crap hole now).

in any case, last night was a great night. and today was a good day. two days until i'm on a plane to san diego!